for those who have experienced the loss of a child
My heart is with everyone who is reading this. Most likely you are looking at this and listening to the music because of a tremendous loss. You have the ability to understand the lyrics and emotional expression more than any other person; perhaps even more than the musician who has donated this to you. Your loss and grief is yours and is personal enough that no one can truly understand it but you. As a psychologist, I have been allowed to share in others’ grief countless times. Each time I feel a deep sense of privilege and awe that an individual is willing to include me in their most personal of moments. We all have different ways of handling the strong and unpleasant feelings which come at this time. It is difficult to know how to help each individual. The best I can offer is a little understanding of the feelings you have and why these emotions are important.
In the song accompanying this message is a lyric which states, “…the only thing that I have loved perfectly” is what I have lost. To me, this is the most important aspect of experiencing your grief. Pain, sorrow, and heartache are intensely unpleasant and most people feel the need to avoid these emotions. However, pain, sorrow, and heartache only come from our personal values. We feel emotional pain when something important to us has been violated or lost. There is never a time we feel sorrow about a person, object, or situation we do not care about. The adage “Don’t cry over spilled milk” can never be appropriately applied to situations in which we have lost a family member, relationship, or any other personally meaningful experience. The value is simply not the same.
Our intensely painful emotions are a sign we truly care about what we lost. They are unpleasant feelings that honor the person we have lost and to our sense of self-value. As such, we need to find a way to embrace them, not avoid them. This is the difficult task ahead of you. Memorials, speaking about memories of our loved one, speaking about & grieving unfulfilled dreams, focusing on spirituality, and surrounding ourselves with people who support us are all ways which have helped others in this journey. However, it is a personal journey…for you to determine your path. Others will be there to support you, and at times it is important to allow those people to take over while you embrace your sorrow. Other times, you will use your unique understanding to help them learn. This journey cannot be rushed and will take time. Please allow yourself this time and emotional expression.
When it is difficult to understand your own emotions, let alone express them, use the expression of others. This is why this song has been given to you. Let the music, lyrics, and singing be a channel for the emotion you do not understand, and naturally do not want to have. Then find meaning and value in the emotions you feel. Only then will the high price you have already paid be worth something.
Christian H. Monson, PsyD