We are not only men together, but now we share this tragedy of pregnancy loss. We never wanted this; none of us knows how to deal with it.
Here are a few keys I have learned the hard way after losing two grandchildren in gestation (you can read more about our losses here):
- If you are just experiencing this for the first time, you are entering what I will call “the great shattering.” Your plans, your dreams, your feelings, your partner, maybe even your relationship is now shattering.
Get over the “Fix-It” mentality. You are not Mr. Fix-It now. Get over the temptation to tough it out and shut down like a lot of men do. Instead, this is exactly the moment to be “a big enough man” to reach out for perspective, help, and knowledge.
- ACTION: Spend 30 minutes reading these blogs to open your eyes and heart:
- ACTION: Call me for a free conversation at 303-619-1890 and let’s talk about your situation.
- ACTION: Encourage your partner to call Marika, Executive Director of My Baby Angel Foundation for a free conversation at 303-900-3792
- If you are one or several years “past” your baby’s death, you have entered what I will call “the great limbo.” You are now functioning better but there is still a hollowness.
You can force the “moving on” like our culture pressures you to do. Instead this is the stage to “hold the polarity” of starting to “move on” and also “continuing your bond” with your baby.
- ACTION: Have the courage to stay open to your unresolved feelings. Create a never forgotten legacy of love as a symbol of your deeper understanding.
- If you are many years past the loss or a Grandfather, you have entered what I will call “the great integration.” This means being wise enough to integrate this loss into the fabric of life itself. Notice that I did not say “heal” or “get over” or “move on.”
You could seal over at this point, and all those feelings that want to be felt as love will wither you. Instead have the wisdom to create a view of things that allows both life and death to have their place.
- ACTION: Take an action step to do this. Create a ceremony or legacy of love with your partner for the pregnancy/infant loss. See more here.
- Realize that the more losses you have experienced, the tougher this is going to be. Losses intensify each other. If you are a veteran, for example, or lost your parents while young, the pregnancy loss may reach a critical mass … all the more reason to consider the suggestions above.
- Realize the major stress on your partner and on your relationship. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus and all that. Bottom line: you will grieve differently than her; but grieve you must. The more mature, feeling, open, and communicative you can be about your grieving, the better. Stand up to this.
I am here for you. I am a Man and a Grandfather with 2 Grandbaby losses. I am a Psychotherapist, holding the polarity of moving on and continuing the bond.
I am walking the path of integration.
ACTION: Call me at 303-619-1890 or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.